


The Real Way He Fell

by toooldtotrickortreat



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (don't do drugs), Anxiety, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, i don't know how american high school works can you tell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 12:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14954303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toooldtotrickortreat/pseuds/toooldtotrickortreat
Summary: Maybe Evan Hansen didn’t really ‘fall’ from the tree, but he did fall.





	The Real Way He Fell

**Author's Note:**

> Idk man I'm just procrastinating from my school projects

When Evan Hansen was 5, he was bossy and direct in everything he did.

He had friends, but he was controlling. He had his own kindergarten romance which lasted until the unspoken breakup because of just that. They didn’t speak anymore.

Evan’s little mind was determined to have everything be perfect and in line. He was top of the class with his grades, one of the tallest and did his best to keep his life organised. His handwriting was strangely neat for someone so young but that’s how he needed it to be. He took pride in what he did and was the perfect little student.

 

* * *

 

When Evan Hansen was 7, his dad left.

He didn’t really understand it at the time, but he did remember the U-Haul truck. He sat behind the wheel, pretending as his dad laughed along acting like nothing was changing. Evan called to his mom from the seat and she smiled through the tears that Evan didn’t notice.

Eventually, he had to get out and his dad left, but not before giving Evan a massive hug. If Evan knew it was the last time he’d be seeing his dad in person, he probably would have reciprocated it more. So he waved to his dad and chased the truck down the street until it disappeared, then returned to his house and ate dinner. His mom was strangely quiet until she tucked him into bed.

“Is there gonna be another truck?” he whispered sleepily while she flipped the page of the bedtime story. “One that’ll make you go too?”

His mom crumbled and hastily put the book down before bundling Evan into her arms, blanket and all, and rocking him back and forth in her lap. “Never,” she whispered. “Your mom isn’t going anywhere. Your mom is staying right here.” She cried and Evan was silent, trying to ignore the tightening of his chest as he felt the world changing around him. 

 

* * *

 

When Evan Hansen was 8, Connor Murphy threw the printer.

Well, ‘threw’ was an overstatement. A massive one. He kind of just whacked the printer and it fell off the table that it had been precariously balanced on. The classroom was dead silent. The teacher looked shocked. Connor breathed heavily, staring at the printer as if he didn’t quite believe he knocked it over. Evan watched the situation unfold without any emotion.

Connor was escorted by the teacher to the principal’s office and the classroom buzzed. Everyone was talking about it because _did he just do that_? Evan stayed silent.

No one really knew much about Connor Murphy. He was quiet and no one talked to him. The cool kids thought he was weird and no one argues with the cool kids. He had a sister in the grade below them named Zoe who was nice and played in the school band. But Connor didn’t stand out like that. He stood out because he didn’t try to stand out.

Evan secretly understood not wanting to stand out. The thing was, he didn’t, because he spent his time acting like everyone else so he could go by unnoticed.

Connor didn’t show up at school for the rest of the week but when he came back on Monday the teacher gave the class a speech about how they weren’t allowed to talk to him about it while Connor wasn’t in the room.

Evan saw Connor eating lunch by himself. For a moment, he considered sitting with him. His throat closed painfully at the idea and he decided against it. 

 

* * *

 

When Evan Hansen was 10, he made a friend that wasn’t Jared Kleinman, who he only talked to because their moms were friends.

Mason was new to the school and nice enough until suddenly he wasn’t. He made Evan share everything, even when he tried to say no. He took control over Evan’s life and made Evan feel scared. He forced Evan to give him some of his lunch every day because ‘that’s what friends do’, even though it made Evan’s stomach hurt because he wasn’t eating enough.

One day Evan’s mom noticed his constant bad moods and grilled him until he finally confessed, bursting into tears and not knowing what to do. His mom said that she would handle it and she did, with the teachers trying to keep Mason and Evan more separate. It wasn’t hard because Mason had been told he couldn’t take people’s food and he was smart enough to put two and two together.

Mason told Evan that he hated him. He called Evan mean things and shoved him down the stairs (granted it was about four steps and the look on Mason’s face after made it clear he didn’t mean to, but still).

Evan told Mason to leave him alone as he fought back tears. He avoided Mason at all costs and didn’t talk as much.

Because apparently friends just hurt you. He was a lot more suspicious of people from that moment on. 

 

* * *

 

When Evan Hansen was 11, he started middle school.

And immediately wanted to go back to elementary.

It wasn’t necessarily being the youngest rather than the oldest that was an issue, but middle school seemed to be the Puberty™ years based on the progression of what kids looked and sounded like from sixth to eighth grade. Not matured but starting to get there.

Evan and Jared hung around each other because they didn’t have anyone else to start off. Then Jared made friends and Evan was alone. Connor Murphy who was in his class in second grade was also alone, but he had yelled at people on several occasions and it kind of scared Evan. Everything scared Evan these days. After last year making friends was _not_ on his to-do list so he just determined that staying by himself and getting his work done would help him to get through.

Little good that did.

Everyone saw him as the anxious kid who wouldn’t talk unless he absolutely had to. The cool kids made fun of him. Jared, who somehow worked his way up to being a cool kid made fun of him too, although he did it with regret that Evan rarely noticed.

Once Evan got cornered by some of the cool kids (not including Jared). They made fun of his stutter and he just closed his eyes, waiting until they left. They eventually did, but not before the obvious leader of the group landed a punch to his eye.

It bruised because of course it did. His mom didn’t notice because she was always busy and when she was at home Evan just avoided her. Heidi’s involvement with Mason made Evan not want her to get involved again.

He still didn’t talk at school.

By the end of middle school, Jared started hanging around him again with a quick but genuine apology before acting exactly like he did before they stopped being friends. Evan didn’t quite let everything go, but he was happy not to be alone anymore. 

 

* * *

 

When Evan Hansen was 14, Jared got a girlfriend named Mary who Evan became friends with by association.

The only problem was when Jared was absent and Evan and Mary would hang out with Mary because he didn’t have any other friends, and Mary’s constant time around Jared and Evan meant that she had lost contact with her old friends. People would tease them, claiming that Mary was cheating on Jared with Evan. Evan thought it was stupid but Mary seemed deeply bothered by it.

Due to a plethora of reasons, Jared and Mary broke it off two years later. They tried to stay friends but that quickly fell through. It wasn’t a healthy relationship and Jared couldn’t move past it. He became more clingy to Evan who accepted it.

Evan promised himself never to date in high school, because what if you broke up and still had to deal with each other in an environment where you couldn’t escape one another.

Originally, Evan and Mary had continued talking but then the rumours of them being together really took off. Evan was more bothered by it this time around. Mary brushed it off. They eventually stopped talking because Mary had other friends while Jared … didn’t (this was and would always be an unspoken fact). A lot of rumours began to surround Mary about her doing stuff with other guys. Jared didn’t want to hear about it.

The beginning of the relationship had been a change Evan took a while to adjust to. The end of it took even longer and a lot more emotions. He was stuck in the middle of a situation he ordinarily tried to stay out of completely.

His head swam and he fought down the urge to panic. 

 

* * *

 

When Evan Hansen was 16, he had an anxiety attack.

He was no stranger to them, but usually, they happened at home. But no, it just had to happen in the middle of class. Without a word, he picked up his things and left, ignoring the stares and the teacher’s protests to sit back down.

He walked down the hall, breathing loudly and too fast as he headed to the second-floor bathrooms that no one used. They smelled like crap but again, no one used them.

Except for that day. _Apparently_.

Evan walked in to find none other than Connor Murphy, sitting against the back wall with a joint dangling from his lips. He wore his normal dark clothes and his bag sat on the ground beside him.

Evan and Connor stared at each other for a moment, frozen. Connor soon disregarded Evan as any kind of threat and looked back down, pulling the joint out of his mouth between two fingers to exhale the smoke before sticking it back in again. Evan remained frozen.

“You asthmatic?” Connor said after several seconds. Evan looked at him and slowly shook his head. Connor nodded. “You want a hit?” Evan looked away and rubbed his arm. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Connor shrug.

 _The one day someone uses this bathroom_ , Evan thought, his breathing picking back up again. He tried to move his feet towards the exit but stumbled. He fell to the ground and made no effort to stand up, remaining on his hands and knees. Soon he was hyperventilating and rolled to sit properly, curling himself into a ball.

He could feel Connor’s eyes on him before there was a series of sounds and suddenly Connor was in front of him, his cigarette stomped out.

“Hansen?” Connor asked. His voice sounded hesitant, so _un-Connor_ like. “Can I, uh, touch you?” Evan coughed but didn’t protest, so Connor slowly grabbed his wrist and brought it to his chest. “Can you try to breathe with me?” Connor asked, overexaggerating slow breaths. They stayed that way until Evan was a bit more steady. Connor sat down and they remained in silence until the bell went. Connor left without a word and Evan just watched him go.

That was confusing. 

 

* * *

 

When Evan Hansen was 17, he didn’t fall from the tree, but he did fall apart.

To be fair, it did all stem back from when he decided to let go during the summer. He came back to school with a cast that no one signed except for Connor Murphy.

A lot of Evan’s problems stemmed from Connor Murphy, too.

Not that he blamed Connor, of course not. It was just circumstantial, really. And Evan’s inability to speak up. That’s what began the beautifully tragic mess that was the Connor Project, wasn’t it? Not being able to explain to Connor’s parents that no, he didn’t know their son and that letter was actually a therapy thing written by Evan, not Connor.

He lost his only ‘friend’, the only person who genuinely tried to be nice to him and his mother for a while. It sucked.

Then everything came crashing down when Evan _finally_ confessed. All of a sudden everything came to fruition; he had painted a lie with the face of Connor Murphy, he had accidentally kept a marriage from falling apart and he indirectly told his mom about the tree.

Evan very nearly tried again. Except he didn’t. Because he had seen what a death like that could do and he knew it wouldn’t be pretty. His mom needed him, he could see that now, so he got his job at Pottery Barn and tried to stick around.

 

* * *

 

When Evan Hansen was 18, he looked back on his life and wondered what the hell just happened.

He made it though, and he could be proud of that.


End file.
